My lip gloss is cool.

I was ready to discuss at length the trashiness inherent in lipgloss. I had an entire diatribe prepared, complete with pictures and evidence all pointing to the hideousness of lip gloss and how its sticky disposition makes it the perfect counterpart to teased bangs, porn stars and bitches who flat iron their hair. Lip gloss is not really that classy nor is it something that many respectable girls wear. Your hair gets stuck in it in a stiff breeze. Often it looks as if you've glazed your lips with semen. It's hard to apply, gets all over everything and generally makes a fucking mess. No one wants to get a nice kiss on the cheek and have to remove the imprint of your lips with nail polish remover, as if it were the gunky residue leftover from a price tag on a CD case. Lip gloss makes you look like a whore, straight up. Here is an example.
My GOD. This image commits several crimes against respectable make-up use. This woman is probably incapable of speaking, closing her mouth all the way or eating a cookie. She has flecks of glitter on her mouth as if she were a disco ball or a lady of the night. Shit is nasty. Men, women, whoevs, do you want to kiss that mouth? Do you want to try to get that shit out of your clothes? I bet lip gloss makes a mess in the downstairs, so guys do not get BJ's from girls who wear this much makeup on their mouth.

What kind of girl wears lip gloss? It's so easy to generalize, to make assumptions based on the image provided. I see platform shoes, jeans from Express, a lot of sequins and probably more hot pink than is necessary. I see perma-tan, bad highlights, eyebrows like quotation marks. This is typical, this is what you expect to see when you think of your standard slatternly ho. Lip gloss extends beyond these generalities. Small children, grandmas, your mom. Half the girls you see on the street are probably ducking into bathrooms and behind compact mirrors and surreptitiously smearing this shit on their mouths. Lip gloss is a scourge, a blight on society. Wear chapstick, ladies. A nice matte lipstick even. There's no need for this shit.

I feel very strongly about this issue. Then I remembered this sassy gal.

How I love this song. Hand claps, kicky beats and an adorable girl from Brooklyn pontificating on the wonders of lip gloss, complete with animated sparkles and big-ass bamboo earrings. I have a weakness for music videos set in high schools(see "Hit Me Baby One More Time"). Her lip gloss is cool. Her lip gloss is poppin'! She name-checks MAC and L'Oreal and demands of us what we know about her. She's not shy to admit to her passion for lip gloss and its inherent power. She knows to wipe that shit out the corner of her mouth so she doesn't look like she's been giving blowjobs behind the gym at lunch. She even gives advice to her guidance counselor. Her joy at the end of the song is infectious. She'll be lovin' it. She'll be usin' it. At the end, we realize that her sudden popularity and charm was not her lip gloss at all. She had it in her all along. Girl power. Makeup. Lip gloss. Word.